When life gets you down, you tend to drop everything… and I mean ‘everything’… that doesn’t pertain to just surviving. I’ve not been a very good human being the last almost year or so. I’ve neglected friends, family, and myself. So this is a giant “I’m sorry.” to all of those. I’ll try to do better.

On a different note, I have been slowly editing my next book, Praising Kane.  I’m not sure why editing gets harder and harder with every book and story, but it does (maybe because I’m learning more each time).

So, without further ado, here’s a sample of the silliness I hope to be publishing very soon:

“Oh my god, does that man ever shut up?” Wanda rammed a finger in her ear and gave it a few good twists. Bart had been extremely chatty on the ride over.

“That’s not nice.” Nate remarked as he stood in front of what could only be called the worst excuse for a home ever.

“Are you talking about what I said, or this house?” Wanda asked innocently. They were standing in front of a dilapidated single-wide trailer surrounded by other dilapidated trailers… this one being the least likely to house any kind of life. It looked as if a tornado had picked up a whole trailer park, shuffled it like a sloppy deck of cards, and then randomly dealt the pile into a swamp. Then, to top it off, a herd of incontinent elephants decided to trample the place for good measure.

“Take your pick.” Nate was slowly shaking his head at the disaster. “Are you sure this is the right place?”

“Here.” She handed him a photograph. He took it and held it up.

“Yup.” Everything in the picture was true to life. “And to think we thought it was a picture of the dump.” He clucked his tongue a few times.

“Not sure the dump would have been any better.” Wanda had her arm over her nose.

“Okay… that wasn’t nice.” He caught her nod of agreement. “Shall we?” He stepped forward and knocked on the door, afraid the structure might not be strong enough to handle it.

“ONE SEC!” A loud voice blared through the walls of the trailer.

“Not sure why he’s yelling.” Wanda muttered. “Pretty sure we could hear a mouse farting in there.”

There was a series of creaks and pops and groans, followed by shaking. Nate could tell exactly where the person inside the building was, because he could not only hear every footstep, but could see the base of the trailer warping and bending along the way. There was a cough and bark of an actual fart at the same time. Wanda stifled a giggle. “Just gotta use the head real quick.” The voice called out loud enough to be heard two houses down. “Be right witch’a.”

“Oh, no.” Wanda shot her hands up to cover her ears. Within moments, the sounds of someone emptying their bladder into a five gallon plastic bucket issued forth. Punctuated with more burps and farts, Nate waited it out. By the time the occupant reached the front door, Nate knew he was going to meet someone without any embarrassment or sense of propriety.

The door swung outward, the rim of what used to be a screen door clinging against it for dear life. Both Nate and Wanda had to look down. “Mr. Baldwin?” Nate asked the hirsute dwarf standing in the doorway.

“Yessir.” The shorter man shot a hand out. “And who might you be?” His voice was still jacked up to a volume meant for carrying across a packed football stadium, making Nate wince.

“I’m Professor Kane,” he shook the man’s hand, “and this is Wanda.”

Wanda shook the diminutive hand with a smile. “Nice to meet you.”

“What?” He yelled at top volume. “You’re gonna have’ta speak up or talk slower. My hearing’s gone to shit.” He paused, allowing them to repeat themselves.

Nate placed a hand on his chest. “Nate.” He pointed to his companion. “Wanda.” The dwarf smiled.

“Nice to meet’cha.” He stepped back and beckoned them into the trailer. “C’mon in, Gate and Rawnt. You have the strangest names I’ve ever heard.” He shook his head and turned, leaving the door open for them.

Wanda bravely stepped forward. “Think he’s got any hardhats in our size for us in there?” The chuckle escaped from Nate’s mouth before he could force it down. He followed her into the recesses of the home. Walking across the floor was like traversing a foam yoga mat floating on the surface of a pool… solid enough to walk on, but too wobbly to do so with any confidence.

“Have a seat.” Mr. Baldwin yelled at them. He flopped into a recliner and pointed at a loveseat on the other side of the small space. “You can call me Dave, by the way.” Nate and Wanda squeezed onto the loveseat. They were in what would normally be the living room, but the sink right next to his elbow made him think twice. There wasn’t a surface in the place you could technically call straight. It looked as if a Photoshop warp filter had been applied to everything but the people.

“So, Dave…” Nate trailed off as he saw the look of confusion on the man’s face. He took a deep breath and began again, louder this time. “We’re here from the school, Dave. At least I am. Wanda’s from the paper.”

“Yeah?” Dave nodded, his face as blank as a fresh canvas.

“We heard there were some strange noises coming from your place.” Nate pressed on.

“Strange noises?” Dave glanced around the jumbled mess he called home. “I haven’t heard anything.” Wanda spit a little as her hand shot up over her mouth to stifle the guffaw. “Bless you, miss. Need a tissue?” Wanda shook her head to assure him that she was okay.

“We’ve got a folder here that says that every night for the last three days, strange and eerie noises have come from this place.” He stared Dave down. “The neighbors are getting frightened. They think your house is haunted.”

“Three days?” Dave muttered. He’s still working on the first part of my statement. Nate tried to be patient as the man worked through the rest. “Haunted?” His jaw started working up and down like a cow chewing its cud. Both Nate and Wanda were too transfixed to interrupt his thinking process. Suddenly, his face lit up. “Oh! I know what’s goin’ on.” He slapped the arms of his chair.

“You do?” Wanda asked, raising her voice so he could hear her.

“Yeah.” He worked his way out of the seat and held up a finger. “Wait here. You’ll like this.”

“Something tells me we won’t.” Wanda made it sound like Dave might be going to get a bomb to show them. “What’s going on here, Nate?” All she got in return was a shrug. They watched the hallway the little man had disappeared down. There was the sound of something being dragged across the floor. Dave popped from around the corner wheeling a cart with a wobbly wheel and a strange box on top ahead of him.

“What the?” Nate’s confusion spoke for him. There was a speaker strapped to Dave’s back with some kind of harness. The contraption on the cart looked like a box with a row of knobs on the front. There was a loop of metal sticking out from the left end, and at the other was what Nate could only describe as an antenna. Dave unstrapped the harness, allowing the speaker to thump to the floor. He proceeded to connect everything up and pop a couple of plugs into a free wall socket.

“Dave,” Wanda finally spoke up, “I don’t mean to be rude, but what does all this have to do with anything?”

He gave them a little giggle. “You’ll see.” He was fiddling with knobs on both the speaker and the box. Once satisfied, he walked over to a door with the bottom half missing and pulled a folding step stool from the darkness. He set it up in front of the cart and climbed to the top. “And now… for your listening pleasure… I present to you, the theremin.” He shoved his left hand into the space above the loop sticking out from the left side of the box, and plunged his right hand into the air just to the left of the metal rod sticking up.

Nate and Wanda slammed their hands over their ears as the sound of a cat screaming in heat assaulted them. The blast from the amplifier made the trailer rattle with the sonic vibrations. “What the hell?” Wanda shouted. Dave waggled his eyebrows before moving his hands in a fancy aerial ballet. The cat was now being mangled in a bread machine.

“Stop, Dave!” Nate tried to be heard over the noise, but the dwarf was way too into it. His eyes were closed as his arms jerked and swayed to an internal beat.

“It sounds like a drunk opera singer stuck underwater.” Wanda screamed at Nate. He could only shrug and nod as the trailer vibrated and shook under the onslaught of the warbling tones. The song finally ended, leaving them both with a slight headache and the feeling they had just been in a horror movie.

“Eh?” Dave looked proud of himself. “Whad’ya think?” He stood like a kid with a prize cow on display at the local 4H fair.

“That…” Nate began, “…was extremely loud, first of all.” He could feel Wanda nodding next to him. “Secondly, you do that every night?”

“Well, I like to be able to hear myself play.” Dave offered up as an excuse.

“I think they can hear that on the moon.” Wanda was working her jaw up and down as if it might help the ringing in her ears.

“Looks like we can’t really help you here.” Nate stood. “Well, the neighbors, I mean.” He waited for Wanda to hop up before heading out. Dave’s face dropped in disappointment.

“Where are you guys going?” He sounded hurt.

“We came to see if you maybe had something possessed,” Nate tried his best to explain, “so that I could exorcise it.”

“Why on earth would you exercise on my stuff?” The man’s face scrunched up in confusion.

“No, not exercise…” Wanda stopped him with a hand on his arm.

“Don’t bother.” Wanda held her hand out to Dave. “It was nice to meet you, Dave. Sorry about the music thing.”

“You too, Rawnt.” Dave shook her hand. “Gate.” He said, as Nate took a turn shaking.

“You should really look into getting some hearing aids.” Nate mentioned before stepping off.

“Good idea.” Dave hollered. “I always thought that song could use a few more eerie fades.”

Nate rolled his eyes and gave the man a wave as he piled in the car after Wanda. “Want to hit the last one today?” His eyebrows were raised high.

“Can’t be any worse than this one.” She tapped Bart on the shoulder and passed him the address.

“Don’t jinx us.” Nate said, worried that she could well be horribly wrong. Bart started rambling again as he began driving to their next destination.

“Too late.” Wanda slumped in the seat.

 

Hope you liked it. If so, it would be great if you could share this with someone you think might like it. Hope to be back here next week with another post.